Issues like this tend to remind me that A) There is a higher power, although the nature and origin of said higher power is yet to be defined, at least in my book, B) Said higher power, or just the universe in general has clearly presented me with another lesson to be learned, and C) Said higher power has a sense of humor.
Allow me to put in a reverse for a minute.
I’ve mentioned my boyfriend on this blog before, and how amazing he is. I really, truly love the man.
However, Houston, we have a BIG problem.
Recently my boyfriend, who was raised in an uber-religious background quite similar to mine, became the lucky recepient of a…let’s call it religious experience…and certain relationship dynamics have been called into question.
I think you know what I’m getting at here.
Where could I possibly begin to start breaking down why this upsets me so much?
For starters, I was not consulted in this decision, even though it basically boils down to, “Oh. I guess that makes me celibate until marriage too…wait, what the fuck?!?” It was a decry, not a conversation. I am not one of those girlfriends who demand their boyfriends consult them over every little decision, but this is not a decision to be taken lightly…it affects the entire relationship, how it plays out, how close two people can actually be capable of getting.
Approaching this from a scientific perspective ONLY, this is a bad idea. You see, certain chemicals are released from the brain during sex, including serotonin, oxytocin, and dopamine. Serotonin and dopamine are the “feel-good” brain chemicals…certain types of drugs also produce this effect. Oxytocin is, of course, the bonding hormone. Women release this chemical during labor which enhances bonding with the newborn. It also serves as a damn good “love potion”. In theory, the more oxytocin your body produces, and the more oxytocin your partner causes you to produce, the more attached, and therefor, more “in love” you feel. Why he would want to miss a golden opportunity for street drug-equivalent levels of feel good hormones is beyond me. Unless…(and we will get to this unless later.)
Secondly, while I do embrace certain principles of Christianity, I have a few nullifiers. The Bible is very much misgynostic in its treatment of women, who were treated no better than cattle in those days. Of course this is not found exclusively in Christianity during that time period, and we have advanced by leaps and bounds in terms of gender equality, but to wholeheartedly embrace a religion that openly views women as inferior is a slap in the face to suffrage, women’s lib, the billions of women throughout the span of human history who have been abused, raped, murdered by men who didn’t respect the life of a woman.
Also, I’m not so sure I like the idea of being guilt-tripped and living in fear of an intangible father figure who shakes his finger at us from eons ago threatening hellfire and damnation for doing things that we as humans are psychologically and evolutionarily designed to do in the first place! Yes, we have highly developed brains that allow us to overcome our animal instincts, but some of those instincts are damned useful and highly ingrained into society itself. This creates a push and pull effect on the minds of the spiritually confused.
I was raised in a Christian home, but I was never considered to be a “good little church girl”. I’ve been pushing boundaries and stirring up controversy in the church since I learned to speak. I called bullshit on Santa Claus and the Easter bunny when I was just a wee little thing, imagine how hard it was for me to tolerate the idea of symbolically eating the flesh of a Jewish zombie then telepathically communicating to him you will give him your soul in exchange for protection from evil that only exists in the world because a talking snake convinced a rib-woman to eat from a magical tree. No sir, it just DOES NOT COMPUTE.
I’m a fan of logic, sue me.
Of course, I don’t want to force anyone to do anything they don’t wish to do, and ultimately, if I care about him enough, I’ll deal with it.
Yes, it sounds easy via the written word! Effortless, even!
Unfortunately this decry landed just days after my good old friend Anorexia started rearing her bitchy little head.
I am a recovered anorexic, I make absolutely no bones about it. Ask me anything about it, I’ll be upfront and honest about how it literally took over my entire life for years. I have a horrible body image and if I could afford it, I would have already had several plastic surgeries to correct various some perceived and some legitimate flaws.
Having a boyfriend, especially a drop dead gorgeous boyfriend whom you know could do a lot better than you, cut you off, is one of the harshest and sharpest kicks to the ego a woman could possibly endure. We are raised and immersed in a society that teaches women we must look like Barbie dolls, act like pure ladies in the street and absolute whores in bed. If you’re a woman and you’re not having sex, according to society this is ALWAYS your fault. I am both concious and yet seemingly powerless, I too have been taken and duped by society’s definition of acceptable sexual conduct.
And I mean, call me a slut if you must, that’s fine, albeit a little off-base. I have never been the type to sleep with random guys. If that’s your thing, rock on and wrap it up, but random sex doesn’t do it for me. However, put me in a relationship, and I instantly become SuperHo to the rescue!!! I am what I like to call a monogamous nymphomaniac. I want it multiple times a day from my boyfriend, has been that way ever since I got into my first serious relationship. I would never dream of cheating, but I’m horny, so put out! I know part of the reason is I absolutely suck at expressing my feelings because I live in constant fear of rejection, and sex is an easy way to show how you feel about someone.
So now I’m left cranky, unfulfilled, and unable to talk about it. Greaaaat. And to top it all off, Bitchy Evil Anorexia Inner Voice is telling me the whole thing’s just an excuse to not have sex with me, because he secretly is disgusted by me and how fat I am.
So basically…this has shattered my confidence in the relationship. I am convinced he is not attracted to me. He tells me this is not true, but nothing he does leads me to believe otherwise. This insecurity is causing me to be bitchy towards him, which is causing him to be less attracted to me.
In the words of Fat Bastard, “It’s a vicious cycle!”
So basically…my boyfriend gave up free will for a dogmatic religious system that is probably going to be responsible for the downfall of our relationship while at the same time reigniting my eating disorder with a vengeance.
Jesus saves!
